For a person who doesn't care about music to have their mood lifted by it. I guess i have forgotten about a lot of things, about what life actually means. You know, in it's own way, it's kind of funny. One day you feel like you're eyes have been opened to this marvelous new way of looking at life, the next you realize that there wasn't anything wrong with the way you viewed life before. You realize that same day, that with the new discovery, the new way of looking at life, you have also forgotten the great things that use to make you happy at one point. Isn't that sad? You think you are happier, when in reality you have just changed the way you see things, you have changed the meaning. And, now that you realize that, you can't help but to think, to wish that things were like that again. the way they used to. It is so melancholic, it is so useless. With every new things that comes along, a new way of looking at things comes. And with that, you're eyes are covered from the reality of some things. Perhaps, it isn't that bad, you realize something new, but you forget another. Is there any way to have both things?
maybe
....
i should try. but i probably can not. I'm not as strong as i look; inside, i am only thelittle, broken, shy girl i always was. Yes, new clothes, hair, sometimes even make up covers that little girl up, with a mask and personality of the way she wants to be perseived. She doesn't like revealing so much about her, because she is afraid of depending on people. She is afraid that people will fail her once again, and she will be devastated. It's just easier to keep things to yourself, but how long can you take that? ha, nothing really makes sense, you don't make sense, you never will.

you should just go back to being pessimistic, wasn't that much easier? wasn't it just happier to be in denial? i mean, you didn't even realize....

ignorance is bliss....

the problem comes...

when you become aware. then...that blissness, becomes you're worst nightmare.

Do you know what it feels like to be in so much stress that you start to shake?
Do you know what it feels like to loose all apetite because of that stress?
Do you know what it feels like to see your whole world start to crumble; change?
Do you know what it feels like to be faced with the worst change in your life, and have to push it aside?
Do you know what all of that stress does to you're body?

you puke
you become restless
you get headaches
you get stomach problems
maybe even ulcers
you get insomnia
you get sick
you get panic attacks.....anxiety [and you've never even had those things before]


but you probably already know that. Life is just like that.....
it likes to play with you, until you loose all hope; it's like a game
although it makes you feel better to think it's like a test.
Yes, because tests are something that have an end, and if you do everything right, you get the equivilent of that in return.
but life is not like that.
sorry to burst you're bubble.


DEE-ana

you're really ignorant.

i swear i remind myself of someone some times, and those times..i can say do not make me happy. It's an understatement to say that we all resemble people but it is when you see those negative characteristics you possess on others when you realize how low you can be. I'm not saying now, I'm not saying when, I'm not saying who. We can be alike anyone in this world full of dead faces...we can be the neighbor, the kid in the class that doesn't talk, the kid that always makes fun of, or the instigator...anyone. I'm no one to say i have grown, or that i am mature, but seeing the way people react can't make me but chuckle. It is not because what they are doing is funny, but rather, because they remind you of who you use to be. Egocentric, selfish, bitchy or mean....we all possess that...but one thing is to have those characteristics and quite another to choose to live with them.
Some people disguise their egocentric and need to be the center of attention by putting themselves down, all they do is fish for compliments, and although complementing might seem innocuous, we are hurting them more than we are helping. It is because we are feeding their need, it is because we are taking their side and making their disorder seem non important. YES, disorder, a self-defeating disorder. WE must also keep in mind that these people WANT attention, and in order to help them, perhaps we must be harsh to them. I should add, that i believe that this disorder hides among other so called "disorders". I believe that if a person truely has a disorder they will not expose it to the public, as something that should be praised, rather than, they would hide it. For fearing of being treated unequally. But, when these disorders are exposed with the intention of praise, as any other fact someone might list to discribe, then i think, it is a self defeating disorder. I can have an oppinion on this not just because i have gone through that but because i have recovered. I will not list as to what i have recovered, or to what i am recovering, that is for me to know. I merely think that sometimes, just sometimes, as a society we are asked of the unthinkable. To have to deal with those that can not deal with something else we all deal with, is that fair? perharps not, and it might even seem mean to say that we shouldn't have to ask to deal with such issues (unless those disorders are ones that have been caused by birth). Because, 20 years before, there didn't exist as many disorders as there are now. Perhaps modern science is just masking up people's problems and giving them  a nice title. A nice title that comes with an easy solution. Perhaps, people need to grow some balls, yes balls, [in the methaphoric sense] and grow up. WE all deal with hard problems...it's unfair to ask people to treat you better just because of a so called problem you came up with and can't or will not deal with.   

After a whole week of not seeing Scott outside of school it was quite nice to finally have time to connect with him without the whole charade one has to put up in school. School, yes, that institution almost all of us describe as jail...but then again is it that bad? i can hardly imagine what would be better than school. Yes, it might sound completely insane, but school is what gets us prepared, plus...who is to say what people would resort to if they didn't have something that filled up their agenda as much as school. OF course, missing school and sleeping in without a worry in the world seems like a pleasant idea, but it is far from pleasant. All those hours without nothing to do will render life meaningless. Most people don't notice the importance of being busy, most people don't notice the importance to do something productive, much less realize that they need to learn in order to understand. Yea, seems like im just preaching that "helpful" stuff teachers make us digest everyday, but it is true. When one is a child days are wonderful, there are no worries, no pains, no responsibilities, but in fact is that really that good? there are times for everything and i do think that adolecense is the time and place where people need to realize that all the "pain" they go through, all the "hard times", the harsh lessons in life...they all havea purpose, everything happens for a reason.... we learn and learn to be greateful for what we have...SPEAKING OF GREATEFULNESS...
i am not sure what great deed i did, or who i helped, or what i did, but i do not know how i am lucky enough as to have Scott in my life. IT sounds corny, i don't care, that's how i really feel. Most people say they are in love, and i used to mock them...but now, now i praise them. It is a hard feeling, for it is so complex to even put it into words. IT is as if you always knew the person, like you can accept every flaw, every mistake, yet you know that they feel the same towards you so it is easy to forgive. I am aware that relationships are hard, but i do not understand how people can take them for granted. I started dating at 16, an age that my parents thought was too young...but actually analysing it is not...
Perhaps i am too young to understand, too naive to comprehend, but it does not compare to the ages most people start dating these days...
It's as if people just date because they are expected to, as if they do not feel anything...i have seen many relationships and most of them don't have the maturity in them to co-exist. i know people are imature, but i never think it's acceptable to go into a relationship thinking as if it is nothing at all. People just take relationship for granted these days, they fail to realize that they are becoming involved with another individual who has the same (maybe more) emotional complexities as them. IT is a hard task, and i think people don't realize it. I'm not saying my relationship is perfect, i do not believe in "perfect" apart from the perfection that comes from god. What i am saying is that people need to think more before they date, maybe even start dating later, when they are actually aware of what it means to "date". When they are aware that you need to respect the other person, their feelings and beliefs...when they can understand that communication fixes everything, and that just because you are mad doesn't mean you are going to take it out on the person you love. People take love too noncholant these days...when

it
is the
MOST
AMAZING
FEELING
IN THE WORLD!
to love...is to understand someone, be able to work anything out with them, to be willing to talk to them even when it seems you just cant' , a person that will always be there, and a person that you  just can't see yourself without.
it takes time to develop love, it is not like a photograph, but a plant, you might care for it and let it grow, but you have to be willing to keep caring and working for it, otherwise...it dies out.

[yes another one of my rambles about nothing in particular]